Feedback
From Jane Marlow:
‘Louise’s pain really punches through in this script and carries
you through as she attempts to get to grips with her feelings. There’s a strong
arc for Louise and I wonder if there’s room to drill down into the relationship
with her son even more deeply to really mine those moments of connection and
juxtapose them with her struggle to accept that he’s ill. What are the stakes?
What has her son had to give up? How has this illness impacted their lives
other than just taking pills? Do we need to get a sense of when he was
diagnosed, and how he feels about his meds and diagnosis? Is he struggling to
accept he has to take meds, which makes Louise’s role even harder? I think it
would be good to look at the Steve character too who didn’t feel real to me but
more of a device to aggravate Louise. Can you achieve the same think without
him and just using Louise’s own struggle? Having her talk more might let us
into her world for a glimpse before the payoff at the end. Also, look at those
moments when Louise talks to herself and ask if they’re needed as dialogue or
are they best as playing styles or stage directions.’
This
feed back is very useful in looking for ways to improve my script. I think in
the second and last draft, I will focus more on mainly the relationship between
Louise and her son, but also the Steve character. I think to get under the son’s
skin will allow the script to have a more impactful change throughout as the
reader has more of a deeper understanding of the dynamic between Louise and her
son and even the dynamic the son has with himself. I could do this by dropping
little hints within dialogue from the son on what he has sacrificed to get his illness
under control and how that can inflict Louise too. Personally, from considering
the feedback, it has made me question whether from having the reader aware of
what the son must give up and what may happen if he doesn’t take his meds, will
make the conflict stronger and have a more bittersweet, stronger change at the
end because there is more of a journey whilst giving the reader context.
Steve’s
character was supposed to be there to almost challenge Louise and provide an extra
level of conflict. Steve in the script uses a lot of defence mechanisms which comes
across as an angrier character, however Jane wants me to dig into his character
more, so similarly to the son’s character, I could provide him with more context
by using dialogue and possibly even chucking in some humour to lighten his
character up. Maybe Steve could help Louise in some way, whilst still sticking
to the stereotypical older-people-know-best character and therefore there is
some sort of connection at the end between Louise and Steve.
Throughout
the script, Louise continuously talks to herself which makes her a
self-doubtful character. However, I need to show and not tell more, meaning I describe
her talking to herself within the action scenes by using visual markers, using
stage directions or a playing style. Therefore, this can make the script more
intricate as it forces the reader to imagine and create an image of Louise doing
these actions, possibly producing a more detailed screenplay. During the actual
group scene, Louise perhaps could even talk up more so there is more context to
her personal story ready for the change at the end.
Lastly,
technically wise, Jane gave me pointers of when using dialogue there is no need
for speech marks and should begin to brainstorm further title names.
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